England win a test match against New Zealand and suddenly the good ship Team England is righted and we are plain sailing for an Ashes win. Yeah. Sky Sports and the nonsense numpties in our media really are choosing to ignore what confronts them in the face and seem to want to move into pure Izvestia mode (a more highbrow Pravda) when talking about our boys.
So those of you not on the good ship England, read on.
Anyone worried about Alastair Cook’s lack of form? I have a fear we might be venturing in to one of those dry spells.
Nick Compton is not going to be England opener when the teams come out on to the field of play for the 5th Investec Ashes (invoking my inner Hugh Morris) at The Oval.
Jonathan Trott is steady as she goes at number 3. Please do not be tempted to open with him.
Ian Bell. Had enough. But you know that.
Joe Root and Jonny Bairstow – The former has two test half-centuries, the latter has two test half-centuries. The Yorkshire mafia is in orgasmatronic mode over both of them. Those of you who think Bairstow’s 95 in a losing cause at Lord’s wasn’t the innings of the century can go to hell. Those of you who don’t think Root should be opener for a generation, are pure Lancastrians. Meanwhile a general population should be saying that Nick Compton got two test tons against New Zealand, why have these two not?
Matt Prior – Everyone is allowed a bad test. Because, frankly, he’s been carrying more passengers than British Airways recently.
Graeme Swann – He’s not sharp yet. But really, that shot to get out in the second innings. Christ.
Stuart Broad – He won Man of the Match by being his normal infuriating self. Sometimes it clicks and he’s unplayable. Most of the time, he’s a dick and unwatchable.
Jimmy Anderson – Heretical statement. Is he just a better version of Ryan Sidebottom. When the sun comes out, is he going to be cannon fodder? I know, I know……
Steven Finn – Height of Curtly Ambrose, control of Ambrose Mendy (look that one up, Nigel Benn fans). Pace of Courtney Walsh, direction of Bradley Walsh (he’s a good footballer, not sure of his cricket prowess). Why is a man with such physical gifts so often a buffet bowler in test cricket? Doing his best to get Bresnan back in the team.
KP had better stop moaning for his insurance money, and get fit. Without him, this England team is going to get skittled for 200 or less on more than one occasion by an Australian team with a decent bowling attack.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Malcolm Conn has been lambasted by David Warner. Now I was awoken by Adelaide Exile at 5am on Saturday to let me know this world event was proceeding apace, and it was extremely entertaining. For the record, David Warner was pretty much bang on calling out the frightful old bore. That Conn more than revelled in his role sums him up. That he rejoiced in the riposte of Cricket Australia said a lot about him. Far from Warner sticking up for cricketers against lazy journalism over corruption in the IPL (and I was about as shocked at that news as I was that petrol prices might be fixed) rendering him unfit for vice-captaincy, as a player I’d be chuffed that he had my back.
Some may dismiss Warner’s rants as an insight into the monotonous workings of the mind of a modern jock – ha ha, unlike the Guardian to get all prissy – but it’s amazing how when one of their own is attacked, the journo fraternity stick together better than any union I’ve ever known. In the modern world, they run in from all sides. When it’s coming to the defence of a hack like Conn, you can’t help but laugh.
“Are you still talking, you old fart?” – I think David Warner speaks for many of us.