Choose Your Mentality. Wake Up To Reality.

England win a test match against New Zealand and suddenly the good ship Team England is righted and we are plain sailing for an Ashes win. Yeah. Sky Sports and the nonsense numpties in our media really are choosing to ignore what confronts them in the face and seem to want to move into pure Izvestia mode (a more highbrow Pravda) when talking about our boys.

So those of you not on the good ship England, read on.

Anyone worried about Alastair Cook’s lack of form? I have a fear we might be venturing in to one of those dry spells.

Nick Compton is not going to be England opener when the teams come out on to the field of play for the 5th Investec Ashes (invoking my inner Hugh Morris) at The Oval.

Jonathan Trott is steady as she goes at number 3. Please do not be tempted to open with him.

Ian Bell. Had enough. But you know that.

Joe Root and Jonny Bairstow – The former has two test half-centuries, the latter has two test half-centuries. The Yorkshire mafia is in orgasmatronic mode over both of them. Those of you who think Bairstow’s 95 in a losing cause at Lord’s wasn’t the innings of the century can go to hell. Those of you who don’t think Root should be opener for a generation, are pure Lancastrians. Meanwhile a general population should be saying that Nick Compton got two test tons against New Zealand, why have these two not?

Matt Prior – Everyone is allowed a bad test. Because, frankly, he’s been carrying more passengers than British Airways recently.

Graeme Swann – He’s not sharp yet. But really, that shot to get out in the second innings. Christ.

Stuart Broad – He won Man of the Match by being his normal infuriating self. Sometimes it clicks and he’s unplayable. Most of the time, he’s a dick and unwatchable.

Jimmy Anderson – Heretical statement. Is he just a better version of Ryan Sidebottom. When the sun comes out, is he going to be cannon fodder? I know, I know……

Steven Finn – Height of Curtly Ambrose, control of Ambrose Mendy (look that one up, Nigel Benn fans). Pace of Courtney Walsh, direction of Bradley Walsh (he’s a good footballer, not sure of his cricket prowess). Why is a man with such physical gifts so often a buffet bowler in test cricket? Doing his best to get Bresnan back in the team.

KP had better stop moaning for his insurance money, and get fit. Without him, this England team is going to get skittled for 200 or less on more than one occasion by an Australian team with a decent bowling attack.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Malcolm Conn has been lambasted by David Warner. Now I was awoken by Adelaide Exile at 5am on Saturday to let me know this world event was proceeding apace, and it was extremely entertaining. For the record, David Warner was pretty much bang on calling out the frightful old bore. That Conn more than revelled in his role sums him up. That he rejoiced in the riposte of Cricket Australia said a lot about him. Far from Warner sticking up for cricketers against lazy journalism over corruption in the IPL (and I was about as shocked at that news as I was that petrol prices might be fixed) rendering him unfit for vice-captaincy, as a player I’d be chuffed that he had my back.

Some may dismiss Warner’s rants as an insight into the monotonous workings of the mind of a modern jock – ha ha, unlike the Guardian to get all prissy – but it’s amazing how when one of their own is attacked, the journo fraternity stick together better than any union I’ve ever known. In the modern world, they run in from all sides. When it’s coming to the defence of a hack like Conn, you can’t help but laugh.

“Are you still talking, you old fart?” – I think David Warner speaks for many of us.

 

Something That Has REALLY Bugged Me

I really want young talent to come into test teams and succeed. There’s something invigorating about seeing a youngster come into England’s line-up and show he belongs there and should stay. I’m not drinking the Nick Compton Kool-Aid for instance, as although he’s got two tons, which should not be sniffed at, he appears, at this level to be phenomenally one-paced in a line-up that has its share already of one-paced top order batsmen. I’m not sure if Jonathan Trott’s hyper-activity in the last test is a result of this, but one has to say if Australia bowl tight, we could be seeing plenty of low 200s in a day with this line-up. But that’s for another time.

No, what is really bugging me is the constant referral back to one test match in August 2012 at Lord’s. Jonny Bairstow was not making his debut, having shown a worrying propensity to not fancy anything served up short of a length by Kemar Roach in the early part of the Summer. Bairstow played pretty well, rode his luck, hit some decent shots, before becoming worryingly becalmed in the 90s and dismissed. A cameo 50 in an apparent lost cause that wasn’t because of Prior and Swann’s antics, is then embroidered on as evidence. On this alone, Jonny Bairstow is destined for greatness. Then, as if to compound the error, the press go over the top on Joe Root’s one-paced effort in Nagpur (has everyone forgotten how Swanny seemed to be able to accelerate on that) and want him opening on this tour. He’s not exactly grasped the nettle either. While Dhawan comes into the Indian time and murders a better than run-a-ball ton, our new batsmen come in and make this New Zealand attack look like something the West Indies served up in the 80s.

But still, every time Bairstow’s name is mentioned, we are dragged back to his 95 at Lord’s. It was against Morkel and Steyn and Philander, don’t you know. He’s a precocious talent with a great future. Or was that his once in ten test effort that leaves you salivating for more, but always end up disappointed. He has excuses made for him – he comes in unprepared for the heat of test cricket – but really. It isn’t as if we are talking about a double ton against the best attack in the world. It was, just, 95. That innings has taken on legend status. Eoin Morgan once made 130 at Trent Bridge against Pakistan when no-one else really scored a bean, and where is he now? No-one goes back to that knock. But Bairstow has that in his locker, and the media go to town on it.

It has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with him being from Yorkshire, does it? Like it has nothing to do with being from Yorkshire that Joe Root is the second coming?

So next time you hear that commentary referring to that 95, think of me, screaming inside. Next time you read something like this…

“But after Kevin Pietersen was dropped in extraordinary circumstances for the third Test at Lord’s, another opportunity arose for Bairstow to which he responded magnificently. Confidence bolstered by a century for England Lions against Australia A, he led an England fightback from 54 for 4 in their first innings on day two with a brilliant 95, emerging from a peppering with short deliveries to play some fluent attacking shots in an innings former England captain Michael Vaughan said would have been the finest maiden Test century he had witnessed had his fellow Yorkshireman not been bowled by Morne Morkel.”

…and think the bloke saying this was captain of Kevin Pietersen’s who had a maiden test ton of 158 against McGrath, Warne and Lee, and that saved the Ashes (really Michael, better than that one…..don’t talk unutterable bollocks), then you know why I get mad. He got becalmed, alarmingly, in the 90s (facing 15 balls on 95). That’s not impressive at all. He then got out. Vaughan can talk some old shit at times.

End this Yorkshire Mafia now. Let us celebrate when he does something worth the applause. I’d love it to be tonight, but I’d also hope any achievements are kept in perspective and not because he’s a bloody northerner in a media box that seems to love that old shite.

Like A Pressure Cooker

The steam is building up. The cook is getting impatient. He’s getting hot to trot. Like the dorsal fin in the water signifies ominous intent, the broad nature of the build up of pent-up gas is difficult to contain. The priority is to get to the root of this malaise. No use swanning around hoping it will all go away. The bell will soon ring.

When we lose tonight, beware. Dmitri is pissed off. And this guy knows his onions. I may be a KP nutter, but I know when things are bad.

Anger. Real anger.

A Message To Australian Cricket Fans

Listen to me, you deluded twats.

For twenty years you marched round the world, thumping everyone and telling us how we were all going wrong. You were about as gracious in victory as a Roman Emperor. You’d think nothing of ridiculing all that you played, because you were the best. We sat there, we took it, because we thought your team was great, but it was also, inevitably, like all dynasties, going to come to an end.

Now, in the wake of another humiliating defeat to a team England, once they adjusted, beat reasonably comfortably, we can laugh at you and your ridiculous selection policy. We see exactly what we did when we were struggling. We couldn’t make up our minds. We invested in youth and then dumped it. We yearned for past icons past their prime, and perhaps ushered some of them off the stage too quickly. We read our past icons ludicrous cure-alls for the moronic masses. We think it is funny to see this because you said you’d never be us, and we all knew you would be, because that production line had to end somewhere.

Now you are getting ribbed, you can’t fucking take it. That makes YOU the morons, not us. It isn’t pleasant, we know, but take it as a back-handed compliment. We England fans know we aren’t the best in the world, and yet when we do have a couple of successes over the Old Enemy to our name, we can enjoy them, and their demise.

Deal with it you tarts.

India v Australia – Day 1

David Warner fails in alien conditions – CHECK

Ed Cowan fails again – CHECK

Malcolm Conn (@malcolmconn on Twitter, for all your giggles) moans about India not having DRS, but doesn’t moan about India “preparing” ragging turners (but moaned about us preparing a result pitch in 2009) – CHECK

Phil “New Bradman” Hughes fails – CHECK

Shane Watson gets a start and gets out LBW – CHECK

Captain Clarke saves sinking ship from complete catastrophe – CHECK

Wade fends off critics until he drops another clanger – CHECK

Captain Clarke has media buffoons creaming as he does something “unorthodox” – CHECK

It fails – CHECK

Another wonderful day for test cricket in Hyderabad today. Many an Australian is pointing out how both England and New Zealand took time to adjust to the conditions and were humped in the first test, before making a much more sprited effort in the second (well, England’s was so spirited we massacred them). Sadly this Australian team seems to have been selected by an idiot (sadly? who am I kidding) bringing in ANOTHER bits and pieces player (that makes three, and if you include Wade who is not a test keeper and is not a test batsman, four) instead of a proper bowler while also including Xavier Doherty (oh my God) then, well….

The main talking point was Clarke declaring to get three overs at the Indian batsmen. The fully-signed up “aggressive cricket” club in the commentary box lapped it up. It’s the sort of nonsense they like; “courageous”, “brave”, “innovative” “stupid” (sorry, not the last one) and Ravi Shastri saying the team came out in rapid time after the declaration because they didn’t want to be around an angry Clarke (savaged by a Pup – ho ho ho) was arrant twaddle. Just as the Ashes 2006/7 campaign got off to a belter of a start when Harmison bowled a monstrous wide, so Pup’s Plan was symbolised by The Man With English Parents’ first ball…..

To me it was “look at me” captaincy, borne out of a need to be “doing something” and feeding in to the mantra that Clarke is a great, and innovative, leader (see also Drug Cheat). Australia’s 10th wicket has often got them a few runs with some lusty hitting. They needed runs, because the wickets will take care of themselves if they are to get back in this match. No. It was stupid, dumb, reckless and idiotic all in one. I’ll bet more column inches go on that than go on the horrendous heave he unfurled to get out.

So, to Day 2…..

The Fantasy Cricket Chronicles – Part 1 (of probably 1)

An Ordinary Joe

Those of you who have blogs can be avid viewers of what lies beneath. On WordPress it is the “dashboard”. From there you can see the big stats, the posts people are reading, the searches used to find you, the drafts, the number of completely fucking annoying spam messages you’ve been sent by tiresome bots. On looking at my search terms today, and indeed the past couple of days, in among the usual one relating Michael Vaughan with someone else’s spouse, which I never said, but seems to be a keen search function, or those looking for my lovely Cape Town pictures, one popped up that surprised me.

Joe Scuderi.

Now, I have to admit the name means one thing to me. In a Fantasy Cricket auction at my place of work a few year’s back (like 15), I picked him up. He was playing for Lancashire and was coming over here on the same basis that Andrew Symonds had played for Gloucestershire the year before. This was in an age when anything Australian was bound to succeed in county cricket. I kept quiet, hoping that the word wasn’t out among my less keen cricket colleagues. I prayed no-one had mentioned it in the press county cricket previews. Sure enough, at the end of the auction, he was still available and I picked him up. People looked around, as I had a bit of an aura in those days, and wondered what they had missed. I was a bit cockier in those days and trumpeted how he was “this year’s Symonds” (I’d picked him up the season before as a non-overseas player and thank you very much, if he didn’t score a ton of points).

Of course, other than he played for South Australia, I had not a clue what this bloke did, or even if he’d make Lancashire’s pretty decent outfit. One look at cricinfo’s blurb on Joe sums up how he turned out for my FL team:

Of Italian heritage, Joe Scuderi was born and raised in Queensland and seemed destined for a successful career as an all-rounder from as early as his school cricketing days. The extent of his potential was first reflected on a national scale with selection as an inductee of the Australian Cricket Academy in Adelaide in 1988; so promising did he in fact look at that time that his services duly became the subject of an intense bidding war between Queensland and South Australia in the lead-up to his first class debut (which was ultimately made with the latter) in 1988-89. From that point onward, though, such promise sadly remained substantially unfulfilled. Over the next four seasons, he was a reasonably regular member of South Australia’s Sheffield Shield team and was a handy contributor, consistently averaging at close to thirty with both bat and ball. Frustratingly, though, the combination of his very correct technique with the bat and his combative medium pace never took him to the heights that were once imagined. He did string together seven matches in 1996-97 but, aside from that, played a bare six first class matches for the Redbacks beyond the 1992-93. It is a statistic that is instructive of his decline. Instead, Scuderi has since had to limit his horizons to Italy’s national team and to the odd appearance for Lancashire at English domestic level around some league cricket in that county.

He made very few appearances, got very few points, and my senior colleague, Nicholas George, makes great glee in reminding me of him (while forgetting a few years later, I picked up unknown Michael Hussey for his first year in county cricket, so stick that in your pipe….).

So who would be looking for Joe Scuderi, I wonder. He’s 44 years old now, and played international cricket for Italy.

He is mentioned in the blog (put his name on search and you’ll see where), and it is in connection with Boeta Dippenaar. He was so bad, that in 2008 I refused to complete the scoring from our last year’s FL competition because this cock cost me it (Nick, you won, beating Simon by about 30 points). He was worse than Joe because in the final years, we limited transfers, and I used my last one up on him. He was dropped from Leicester, being an arse I believe, and I was stuck with a non-playing overseas player while others were free to change. So I stropped. Sorry. And to think, we could have had a braai with him at Southey Cottage in Cape Town when he came round to visit Tim…. I’d have poisoned him if I’d have known he’d cost me the 2008 FL Cricket League.

A Very Aussie Solution

India duly completed their comprehensive victory over Australia, and in the process, veteran Sachin smashed his first two balls for six off Nathan Lyon. Australia had clearly not been paying attention when England lost their first test because they played one front-line spin bowler, and then got it right by dropping a seamer for Monty. Needless to say, the best advice is always ignored, so now the cognoscenti around Aussie cricket are talking about adding an extra “spinner” for the next test. I put the word in commas, because the name of the next cab on the rank is Xavier Doherty.

Brendon Julian, a quickie who didn’t get a full run in the side, advocates another change. It’s one to quicken the hearts of all Englishmen out there….

“He’s [Mitchell Starc] a wonderful bowler, no doubt about that, and I think he’ll play the first Test in England, but you’ve got to play Mitch Johnson in the next Test.”

So he is a bowler not for all seasons, but for the Ashes only. You remember the times when these mouthy cretins were talking about just three test series for us, and five for India?

Yes, he also wants to bring in Xavier Doherty. Stop laughing at the back. He doesn’t say which one out of Siddle or Pattinson he wants to drop for the mighty X-Man, but drop one he must. Presuming Siddle is no good on Indian tracks as well, being dismissed on their own scorecards as not having a Plan B, it’ll be him. But the mad Aussies are saying they might rest Pattinson.

I think they’ve gone mad.

Read more.

Brendon Julian

Report Card

Jadeja Has A Pop – Love the last para having a go at Kohil who had made 107!

Pattinson To Be Rested

No sign of Malcolm Conn, other than on Twitter with a lamentable put down to an Englishman comparing Moises Henriques with his previous Hospital Test rants. Being Portuguese is more “exotic”…..Tit.