The last (only) time I jetted down to South Africa we had Jack Simmons on our flight. Jack, being a little sturdy in build, was always a little favourite of mine. He provided inspiration for the tour. A pity the next time I saw him was in a lift lobby in Joburg when the Lancashire chairman had just popped his clogs. Life’s a real pain sometimes.

That meaningless piffle is lead on to the England performance yesterday.

I will now pause to reflect on South Africa’s performance in an international cricket tournament when “favourites”.

That's Smith In The Background...

I was driving to and from the recycling centre and visiting  the hell on earth that is Surrey Quays Tescos, so heard some of the scores on the radio as I was driving home. We had lost two wickets in the first 80 or so runs, and all seemed to point to a middling England score of 230-250 and a successful chase by the charming, diffident, utterly graceful South Africans. So when I got home, and then after a 40 minute boot the ball and get the dog to chase it session over the fields, I came back and switched on the TV. I looked at the score. So on a cat theme, this is how I reacted.

That's Me, That Is

Shah had decided to go berzerk. Then came Eoin Morgan. Collingwood played second fiddle but made a very cohesive 80 odd. England posted 323 or some such nonsense score. The second best ever in Champions Trophy history (and the best was against the USA so that doesn’t count). But what got me, despite the brilliance of Morgan and Shah, was the utter confidence in Kepler Wessels in particular, that this was a score the South Africans would get. They bat down the order. They have Gibbs back. They are very strong. The clear message – if this pathetic England team could despatch Parnell, Steyn and I really can’t remember the other legends in their team (did Kallis bowl?) around the park, then it must be a belter of a wicket and don’t you remember they chased 430 odd at Joburg against the Aussies?

When they batted the South Africans lost the man who could make that 150 in 40 overs quite early. Gibbs is very hit and miss, and this day he missed. Smith played a brilliant anchor role, making a run a ball 141 – a score England can only dream of – but Kallis looked stodgy, DeVilliers is another out of the hit and miss brigade, and Duminy flattered to deceive (brilliant 166 against Aussie apart, I am not sold on this guy – watch him murder us this winter!). When Duminy was batting Wessels was quite assured despite the rate ascending (he took great comfort in the fact SA were close to the England score – ignoring the phenomenal acceleration we achieved), despite the fact that England had pretty much got all their part-time bowlers out of the way, and despite the fact that it was under lights and under pressure.

Wessels assured us they had two great one day specialists to come. Turns out they were Mark Boucher and Albie Morkel. You’d have thought they were Lance Klusener and Michael Bevan the way he was banging on. When Morkel came in to bat they put up his record in one day internationals.

One fifty in 42 games with an average of 23, and just one 50 against Zimbabwe. Stone me. I know you can paint the best picture out of the most basic of colours, but Jesus. He put the rose tint on that one. Dangerous hitter? Yes, of course he is, but he’s less consistent, or effective, than serial nutter spinner / slogger Shahid Afridi. Leave it out Kepler.

Anyway, once the great Albie Morkel was run out, and Strauss had done his Aussie impression on Graeme Smith (who naturally bleated to the press like the whingeing twat he is – he should be Australian, he is that odious) and denied him a runner because he was fat and unfit (that coming from me), England took enough wickets including the particuarly nasty looking thrower called Botha and some chap called van der Merwe who had his furniture removed, to win with some comfort. However, when times got a bit testy in the final powerplay that Wessels clearly believed the legendary Albie Morkel would smash to all parts, the great, and I mean it, great Bob Willis came good in the commentary box.

On Stuart Broad, who bowled another assortment of filth, and after he had been smacked for four off a full bunger outside off “Goodness knows what James Anderson must be thinking about this absolute rubbish Broad is serving up”. That’s what I want my commentators to say! He had a poke at the umpires constantly referring decisions – “I know they don’t want to be shown up, but some of these referrals are absolutely ridiculous.” Say it as you see Bob. Much missed by me in the commentary box, I can assure you. I would love to watch the game with you and Bumble in full cry. I wish it was Daryll Harper umpiring. Bob loves him! Instead it was Simon Davis who has all the makings of a full-blown anti-English clown.

I digress. The faces in the South African dressing room were a picture. There is plenty of merit in being confident. There is not plenty of merit in acting like you’ve made it, on the back of slim evidence. Australia have won the last three World Cups, you haven’t won a one-day tournament worth a light. Australia ruled test cricket for 15 years – you beat them on their own patch and then returned home and got turned over. Even England can beat Australia at home. An England without KP and a half-fit Freddie, carrying underperforming muppets like Bopara, Collingwood, Bell and Cook. You sneer at England, say Trott might be a squad player, and then stink the place out. Parnell has all the attributes one could want of a hate figure – stupid necklace, mouthy demeanour, inappropriate celebrations of wickets when you are being humped, no real history in the game – and is Dale Steyn becoming Steve Harmison before our eyes, or is that just the cough mixture?

I know this is a little bit puerile, but South African cricket needs the reality check every bit as much as England did in 2005. It may, just may, be sinking in now to the thick England hierarchy, and I for one don’t expect much out of England in this tournament so it is all a pleasant surprise to me, but getting booted out of another tournament on your own patch may resonate with South Africa. That said, if the attitude of Kepler Wessels (and when he commentates, Daryll Cullinan) is endemic, then a little self awareness of your own limitations isn’t likely to be on the agenda.

Nice one boys. Always good to dump them out in their own back yard.